It is not hard to walk away, it is normal and acceptable, not breathe taking and throbbing.
Well, at least that is what I had thought before I was put right in front of the situation, one of the most heartbreaking situations I had taken part of. It is a feeling that you are quietly expecting, a feeling that you know is a part of saying good-bye, a part of who you are before and a part of who you will be after, a feeling everyone has, a bomb to which you don’t have the clock. And you realized you were so prepared emotionally to leave that you just forgot what to feel when you are finally doing it, so it all comes as a crowd stepping over your beliefs and values. That’s life treating you harsh when you decide to step up and leave the comfort zone.
So…strings are meant to be broken and tied back, it is not a hard concept a human cannot understand. The brain is said to perceive everything that happens to the body and anything that could harm it, but what about the emptiness or the breathless feelings?
I have never felt too attached to a place or a person, but when you are about to leave it you only realise more how tight your feelings are about leaving the loving comfort. So what now?
You are supposed to leave, you have a last meeting with the important persons in your life and you feel blank about it. I sure did. I felt like it’s not a big deal leaving them for half an year. It’s not forever yet, it’s just you trying to be more of yourself and less of what it is imposed. Sincerely, I had the same feeling of detachment until I knew those were the last words and there is the last look and there is the last hug. It’s the time of the lasts and you realise you have so many unsaid things, so many feelings you couldn’t share, so much of you in them and so much of them in you. Their eyes are big and teary, your eyes get teary but you don’t cry, you stay fairly strong and happy then you assure them you’ll keep in touch, you fake courage. You turn your back, see them turn theirs and you have to remember never to turn and look. And oh look now you can feel it because being scared is the new shame. You lose the people, the people who are part of you, who created you, whom you created yourself through. It’s that time of the year in which you spend a normal day, have a normal chat, and then it hits you, coming down with full pressure. They’re gone and you are all alone in this world.
I don’t think people should be a factor for me as a human to step up or leave, it is called independence and each one of us has a certain amount of it, but feeling so unknowingly tighten by ones around you is quite sad, it means that one way or another your wall will fall down so may you remain and rebuild or go
It’s sad though…only when you walk away you can truly see what you mean to those around you. Why? Is it humanly? To not let your brain know about what’s happening with your heart? Why does the brain lie for yourself? It practically lies to you about the fact that you are not scared, you can’t be scared, its one of those normal things, but, now, its not, suddenly its not.
I am so scared. I am scared that I won’t be waking up anymore to the same ceiling, that I won’t be eating the same breakfast, drinking the same tee, seeing the same persons day by day by day. I wanted to leave so badly, I wanted to embrace the scariest, I still do, but now I regret that I couldn’t let all the people around me know how grateful I am that they let me create myself through them, through their vision of me and my vision of them. I just want everyone in my life right now to know that there are inside tears waiting to come out for them when I won’t wake up to the same smiles anymore.
And looking down to who I was when I started thinking of leaving, when I started preparing for living and when I knew leaving was my only way of evolving somehow anymore, I just know that even if this is all about me, it is also in a small part about those who let me in and those who gave me a part of themselves.
Now it’s time for great hopes.