Midnight matters 

There are too many times when I taught that I wanted to go home, that I wanted to go back to my own life and just end this. There will be many more times when I will think or say the same thing, it’s all part of the adventure, if you want to return it means it is worth fighting for it. I could have never surpassed my fears without putting them out there, showing them to the world. Sometimes you might even find new fears while trying to reach out for the goal or even for the prize, but again without all these fears you can’t step up and you can’t show to the world how strong you are. To show braveness and strength first you need to have fears. To discover your fears means that you have to start from the bottom, start with nothing. 
One thing that I couldn’t have made it without is this quote: an arrow needs to be pulled back so that it can be thrown far. I found it on a back of a picture. On the back of the picture that kept me with my eyes open, with my eyes dry and ready for a new day, ready for what is about to hit me. And when it all came down on me and I slowly realized what was happening and where I actually am, ever since then I remember the quote and I smile, I push all the worries away. Sometimes all you need is a cup of coffee in the morning, sometimes all you need is some tea in the afternoon, these are all the small things that might raise the quality of the life you are living. The soul doesn’t need much to be fixed, it only needs love. Love is actually not given by the ones beside you, it is given by yourself, it is actually a mirror. It is the mirror of happiness that reflects into yourself what you receive by giving. It might actually make sense for some people. First you need to give, than you receive and after this endless process you mirror it into yourself, you mirror the happiness that you receive into the love that you need to keep going. So my foolishly 30 minutes spent looking at the cup of tea and drinking it after observing very closely all the molecules of the dark liquid, make me feel very positive and give me strength to open my eyes again and put my mirror so people can see it. I think that the power of self influence is the most common form of liking, loving, hating something. Here we have no mirror and no one to look into our mirror, we have ourselves and our needs and preferences, therefore we decide if we like something or not, without being foremost influenced by anything or anyone, it is all about how we want to see it, what we want to feel about it, for it. Now, it’s not that simple, you can’t really change the world with this ability very few have discovered in themselves, you can’t change what you see, you decide how you see, you can’t change what you feel, you can decide what to feel. Some people may never change opinions about something, I was one of those people, it’s actually in the nature of some to be very fixed on one idea and take it as a universal truth. It might look simple to correct this attitude and bring yourself to accepting but indeed it is the most challenging step I have ever experienced. It is strongly tied with what I said before about liking something and mirroring outside happiness into love. Why? It might not make too much sense at first, but taking it deeper and putting it into yourself, seeing yourself in someone else’s words is what made me understand it. Try to pull yourself back, try to see it with new eyes, like you want to pretend today that you are not yourself, that you have a whole new different view of things and you perceive this world in new ways you never knew were possible. For one day try to create yourself from scratch, try to lose it, don’t get it together for once, just lose it all and start all over. Find what makes you, a human being, happy, how can you heal your soul with that happiness, and then how can you accept another view and realize what you dislike is actually part of what you like, or what you hated once can be somehow tied to what you love. It’s the circle of life (inspired by the Lion King) and considering that it has one way to go and you might step on the same path again you might as well consider looking in what is your bad and see if it is actually bigger than you (ends with your ego or influences others?). So what do you feel when you stopped feeling? What can you feel without seeing the world as you always do? What do you feel when you are pulled back, like an arrow? There’s always time to figure this out, some do it by experiencing, some do it by others experiences. I changed by seeing people change, I liked by seeing people like, I am happy because I found a way to create happiness after I saw others do. In the end we all see it. 

I still have needs of going home, I am still scared and I still have moments when I feel it slipping away, but it’s still just me in this whole new world and the circle has only one way that I created through myself. I am currently being pulled back, the situation is certainly very sensitive, but how far I will be thrown afterwards depends only on what I decided to see and what I decided to feel. 

There are too many confused people on this planet, too many that actually breathe your air, make yourself matter. 

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