Torn

10th august reminiscence with bits of the 12/13th time of freedom

Torn, I know all the sides to this word, I wait awake for it to pass or do I reach my boundaries to rediscover what I have left of myself? I still don’t have a steady thought on this matter, though I have been torn so many times.

I don’t speak the way I deserve to be spoken to, I lose myself in the words of recap. Sounds melodic and too dramatic, but it sound good to be torn by the recap. All is just recap of my mistakes and my unfulfillments and they bring me to another state of not knowing what to think of myself anymore. It is all in my head and it is the inspiration to my desperate needs and my desperate thoughts. I sadly think of the world as a place of nothingness and a place of lost cause, but after all, I am part of this world and of this system that is telling me to be a lost cause. And still I try to reach a better version of nothingness. I am nothing and I have nothing, I am naked and closed up into myself, I am retracted and I am deprived, but I reach to a higher nothingness that could bring me some filling.

Humanise everything around you in your thought only and you see for a slight moment the joy of aspiring and the need to inspire, representing the one and only need of participating into your own life. But that slight moment between reality and dream is just another place to be when you are not anywhere with yourself. And that is a moment you forget so much faster than the spare nights you spend with a candle and with your own head.

Shiver.

Shiver.

Don’t forget to shiver, just so you remember to be alive, to hope and humanise. Don’t forget to sometime stay with yourself, just so you have something to think about when you break, and also to remember why you can break. We all do anyway.

There are never enough songs to break on, the playlist will always turn itself to what you should evolve into, and then your grimace changes and you need something else to fill the new empty space that just got created. You always need something to replace with in your heart, but don’t replace yourself, that would become critical. Isn’t it ironic?

Sometimes you have very platonic feelings, you have the emptiness that contradictorily completes the fullness of the heart. There is always an empty space that you can’t live without, the space that reminds you to be human and to be attached. It does get sometimes harder when the space is something that just got vacant, something you had and you lost, it just makes it really painful. But it also makes you appreciate that the vacancy means hope of ever filling the spot with the same feeling. We want feelings, we are hungry for what we had felt for someone or something before, and only that thing or person can ever fill in for itself. You can try and put patches to what you really need, you can look up replacements but they can never provoke the same mad and deep steam.

Choke.

Choke to your own self. It’s pleasant to do that, comforting. Having no air would be a beautiful death of heart. The organ finally becomes free of your useless spirit, even if it is just for a while, until you flatline, it is the time it needs to fulfil its real reason in life, in your body. Choke and do it gracefully, make it meaningful, maybe you can finally feel the real desperation in the misusage of the thing that has been keeping you alive.

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